It's called the Spawn of Helmer for a reason!

If there was anyone out there wondering why this blog is called the spawn of Helmer when I didn't really blog about the kids, well here it is. They have been relatively calm lately. For Helmers anyway. Until today.

I should have known something was going to happen today. The day started with Gunner's teacher raving about him, his manners, his classroom etiquette, and his ability to focus (yes focus). I stood there staring at her, half smiling, waiting for the punch line. When it didn't come and I realized she was waiting for a response I quickly looked around to see just who she was talking to and what kid she was talking about.  Yeah, I was the only one there. And then I looked at Gunner. He is standing on 'the carpet' (it's this big old rug where the kids are to stay during reading time and I'm sure other random times of the day), his big blue eyes staring up at me, HOLDING STILL.  This kid never holds still. He twitches if I try to make him hold still and eventually he physically explodes, which usually only takes 30 seconds.  Well there he was standing in one place pretty much looking like an angel when I noticed the awkward silence again and I'm pretty sure I thanked his teacher and had a stupid confused look on my face. Atleast I hope I thanked her.  Then I blurted out, "I sure didn't expect this from him!" Oops.  It made sense in my head. And it would have made sense to her had she been through the "real" Gunner experience.  The one that started with him sleeping all night for several months as a baby, and then starting at 6 months getting up anywhere from 2-10 times a night. Screaming, I mean blood curdling screaming, fits over God only knows what that still occur at age 4! The Gunner experience that I had when he punched me in the face. Or when he was swinging from the curtains in his bedroom and skinned his nose on his bed frame when the curtain rod broke.  Or the experience I just had with him tonight...

We had a busy day. School/Mother's Day Out.  YMCA for my workout class from 430-530. Skylar's basketball practice from 630-730. And instead of driving all the way home to eat dinner, I took them out to eat.  We actually went INSIDE to eat.  Gunner was in a twitching mood and his mouth was running faster than his body, brain, and a NASCAR racer.  So skip forward, after we get home from all that I fed them yet again and sent the boys in to brush their teeth.  Gunner flopped on the floor, let out a scream higher pitched than Michael Jackson could have, and I think he was saying, "I don't want to go to bed!"  I tried to explain that I told him to go brush his teeth. Of course he couldn't hear me. Then single mommy frustrations came out and I picked him up and told him to go brush his teeth or I was whooping his butt.  He went, but was oh-so-pissed.  That angelic look he gave me from 'the carpet' at school that morning was gone. So very gone.  Instead the spawn of Helmer was in full effect.  It took them 15 minutes to brush their teeth, and then it was 8:40 pm and time for them to get in bed so mommy could have her glass(-es) of wine, and put Ava to sleep.  So when I told him it was time to tell the girls goodnight and go to bed, again he flopped on the floor screaming like Mariah Carey that he didn't want to go to bed.  I asked him to get up, told him to get up, demanded he get up, and then yanked him up, told him he was getting a spanking and to get in the kitchen.  He jumped around like a freak screaming and telling me no. I told him he was getting two, he said no he wanted one, I said OK, you can have one spanking twice and he went for that one.   when I finished spanking his loud, whiney, complaining butt, he turned around, looked at me, and then stuck his tongue out and started doing that thing where they are spitting and blowing air out of their mouth.  I mean how do you really describe that!? OMGunner. I actually got kindof calm at this point, when is when Skylar has learned to start swearing it will never happen again, and he is sorry, and loves me. Gunner hasn't learned this yet.  I took him to my bathroom, grabbed a bar of soap (Melaleuca...all natural so don't go all DHS on me!) and told him to open his mouth b/c naughty mouths needed to be cleaned.  He screamed and covered his mouth and violently shook his head NO NO NO.  Well the mouth got opened and then the genius scraped his teeth across the bar of soap, not once but TWICE. Geez.  I tried to get the soap off, and he was screaming and started to cough. Well I knew from the "Gunner just drank the bath and body works shower gel" incident that meant he was about to puke.  Sure enough. But in the toilet (yay mom!).  Now this kid is so dramatic that he doesn't just puke.  He sticks his head completely in the toilet, leans forward and lifts one leg backward into the air. No lie. And then heaves so loudly you can hear him across the house. I was laughing so hard and he was so not amused.  So then I got to clean thick layers of soap off of his teeth for the next 15 minutes. And puke off my toilet seat.  It was a two glasses of wine kindof night.  The positive in all this: "Gunner are you ever going to stick your tongue out at mommy again?", Gunner says "NO mommy!". I think he meant it.

And that my friends, was a summary of Gunner's first experience with bar soap in his mouth. The BBW shower gel incident, was on his own accord.  And I guarantee he'll never do that again either.